From turning R-rated movies into cartoon characters to giving your child their first sex toy, we look at 10 inappropriate pieces of movie merchandise.
10 – Rambo Action Figures,
- Ah the 1980’s, where even characters that are open criticisms of war can be turned into cold war mascots for children.
- First Blood was a gripping takedown of the Vietnam War and treatment of American soldiers while its sequel was a “Hell yeah let’s blow up Vietnam” propaganda piece. So it’s not surprising somebody decided to turn a violent film into a G.I.Joe knock-off for kids. And like all cartoons in the 80’s, Rambo got a toy line.
- This was just one of the many examples of R rated movies being marketed to children but it’s hard to see a complex and broken man like John Rambo be turned into a “Now with rocket firing action” piece of plastic.
9 – Starship Troopers MicroMachines,
- Oh MicroMachines were the bomb back in the day, cars, planes, boats, star wars, star trek and that probably shouldn’t be marketed to kids.
- Paul Verhoven’s violent space epic about alien bugs ripping human soldiers apart in great gore glory seems to have at some point became the perfect toy for 1997. Much like the Rambo figures, it seems like this bit of merchandise only came out because Galoob had success with their Star Wars toys and hell these were going to be just popular.
- But considering that most parents didn’t take their children to see a movie with tits and giant vagina bugs sucking people’s brains out, I don’t get how anyone could expect these to sell.
8 – E.T. Finger Light,
- With such a rich amount of merchandise you could make for everyone’s favourite stranded Extra-terrestrial it’s hard to believe that dildo finger came up.
- While it’s not actually a dildo, this bit of plastic had heads turning when it hit shelves in Toys’r’us. Looking suspicious like something else on first glance this product allowed kids to re-enact the scene where E.T. fingers Elliot.
- I’ll give you a second to deal with that unwanted image….But considering there are multiple E.T. pornos out there, this may be alien probe some people want.
7 – Robocop Board Game,
- Geez what is it with toy companies making toys and games of Paul Verhoven movies and why didn’t we get a ‘Showgirls’ toy line?
- Probably because it had sex instead of people being shot. Robocop was another R-rated movie whose merchandising ended up looking like something out of one of those parody ads in the film. Robocop got a toy line and a terrible Saturday morning TV show which in turn that got a board game.
- Ah let’s get the family round to play a wholesome board game based on a film where a rapist gets his balls shot off…actually that sounds like a good time.
6 – The Toxic Avenger Action Figures,
- Speaking of movies that got terrible Saturday morning cartoons, we come to the Toxic Crusaders based on Troma’s gore fest The Toxic Avenger.
- The cult hit featured kid friendly moments where eyes are plucked out of skulls and children’s heads are run over, so someone thought “well if Robocop can do it than by hell so can this”. And that is roughly how one of the most violent characters committed to celluloid ended up with a toy for kids.
- The show only lasted 13 episodes but the merchandising was crazy for the show, meaning that thanks to toys Toxie had was now a cartoon icon for fighting pollution. I’m still waiting on my “run over kid with head explosion action” toy though damnit.