From underwear made of dried meat to chocolates moulded in the shape of your anus, we count ten of the worst Valentine’s Day gifts ever!
10 – Brief Jerky,
- If your boyfriend oozes sex appeal or loves to show off his body, get him a pair of brief jerky: the one-hundred percent homemade edible briefs.
- Brief jerky may not offer the best support for the ol’ twig and berries, but it makes it up for it by revolutionising foreplay. After all, chewing on brittle meat is super sexy.
- Even cats like it. Unfortunately, vegetarian lesbians don’t. It’s practically their worst nightmare.
9 – Diamond Ring Keychain,
- This is for the significant other who keeps fishing for some sweet, sweet lifelong commitment.
- Only big assholes or serious pranksters would give this as a Valentine’s Day gift as it blatantly toys with your partner’s emotions.
- ‘OH, it’s just a cheap plastic keychain that only looks like an engagement ring – haha!’ – these are the last words you’ll hear before getting punched in the nose.
8 – Gym Memberships,
- While gifts of gym memberships or fitness DVDs are a nice gesture at New Years, they’re not a very thoughtful gift idea for Valentine’s Day – particularly if your partner’s sensitive about their weight.
- You should also probably stop squealing like a pig every time she enters the room. Seriously, cut it out, you jerk.
7 – His and Her Tongue Scrapers,
- Fresh breath is crucial during those hot and heavy Valentine’s Day make-out sessions – after all, no one likes kissing an ash tray.
- If you’re concerned about your partner’s oral hygiene, don’t waste time with breath mints, mouthwash or costly trips to the dentist; get them a set of ‘his and her’ tongue scrapers!
- The packaging certainly promises a romantic experience – and when has advertising ever lied to us? Simply drag this product across your tongue and you’ll have fresher breath and less ‘tongue fur’. As they say: the couple that scrapes their tongues together, stays together!
6 – Fundies,
- Fundies are ‘the underwear built for two’ that offer ‘twice the fun!’
- As the tagline explains, half the fun is getting into them. ‘The other half is up to you!’
- This would suit couples who want an unnecessarily complicated sexual experience or weirdos who enjoy, err, role-playing as conjoined twins.