10 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

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5 – Origami Kit,

5d

  • There are many differences between men and women – enough to fill a whole book.
  • Fortunately, when it comes to gift-giving, men innately understand that all members of the opposite sex like diamonds, chocolate, flowers and origami. Wait – what was that last one?
  • That’s right, a woman who wrote in to Men’s Health recounted how her boyfriend bought her an origami kit for Valentine’s Day. This might seem like a thoughtful, personalised gift – but the woman had never expressed any interest in arts and crafts, so it came across as weird and random.
  • ‘Seriously! What do I want with little pieces of paper?’ she wrote. The kit now lines her cat’s litter tray.

4 – Bald Guyz Head Wipes,

4c

  • Ladies, this Valentine’s Day, give your bald lover the gift of insecurity with these Bald Guyz Head Wipes.
  • Sure, there are plenty of passive-aggressive ways to tell him he’s too shiny, sweaty or follicly challenged, but why bother when this product can do it all for you?
  • This Valentine’s Day, there’s no better way to tell your bald partner you think he looks like a sweaty scrotum.

3 – Fireplace Collections DVD,

3c

  • Nothing’s more romantic than making love in front of the fire. Throw some wine and a bear-skinned rug in there and you’ve got yourself one cliché-ridden Valentine’s Day celebration.
  • The only problem? Fireplaces are expensive, difficult to install and can only be used in colder climates. That’s where the Replica Fireplace Collections DVD comes in! Featuring recordings of eighteen flickering fireplaces, this is just the thing to set the mood from warm to frosty.
  • Sure, HD visuals can be pretty convincing, but images on a screen won’t provide any warmth. Though you might get a chuckle or two, your date will most likely be unimpressed and it will reinforce the fact that you were too cheap to take them on an actual romantic getaway.

2 – Boyfriend Pillow,

2c

  • Fact of life: most guys hate cuddling. To them, having their lover’s arms wrapped around them is like wearing a straitjacket. Unfortunately cuddling is a mandatory boyfriend duty (it’s in the contract), so it seems like there’s no way out of it…
  • Unless! These days many cuddle-phobic boyfriends have escaped their duties by buying their loved ones this Japanese trend: the boyfriend pillow. With the boyfriend pillow, your better half will no longer have to nag you into spooning or go without a strong arm to embrace.
  • No more will you have to lay uncomfortably awake at night because your girlfriend insists on cuddling – well, I mean, unless you become plagued by the fear that she’ll replace you. The pillow’s certainly better than you at cuddling and listening… Maybe it’s also better at opening jars… Maybe it’s a better lover…

1 – A Chocolate Anus,

1a

  • If your partner is a kinky weirdo or is generally full of shit, get them a fresh batch of these edible anus chocolates!
  • These gourmet chocolates began as an art project in a 2006 London exhibition. They have since gone on to become a hugely popular – and apparently tasty – novelty item, suitable for weddings, bachelorette parties, or as a Valentine’s Day gift to your significant other.
  • Described on the website as ‘symbolic and scrumptious’, the Edible Anus supposedly tackles ‘this ancient taboo in an easily digestible way’. The company’s website boasts the slogan ‘Spread the, um, joy and let’s all teach the world to love each other and love the anus!’ You can’t make this stuff up.

Sources

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