From angels you’d expect to see on an acid trip to cock-lizard hybrids that turn you to stone, we count the 12 craziest creatures mentioned in the Bible.
12 – Second Beast of Revelation,
- So God decides to end everything and get rid of all those nasty sinners and give them to his grumpy ex, Satan, to play with and he starts this by summoning the beast, or rather two of them since there’s actually more than one beast.
- The second beast is just your average animal with two horns that rises from the Earth, seems peaceful enough, but then he does something a little bit odd, he speaks like a dragon.
- I’m not really sure what that means, but maybe it’s the same noises someone makes when eating a ghost chilli, or maybe it’s exactly like Smaug the dragon and Peter Jackson is actually a prophet sent to Earth by god.
- Either way this guy is weird, but not nearly as weird as the first beast, but we’ll get to that guy later.
11 – Giant,
- Most of you have probably heard the story of David and the Goliath, if nothing else because it featured on that one episode of the Simpsons.
- Goliath is a Philistine Giant, which basically means a person that worships satan that happens to be quite a bit taller than your average dude.
- Although it doesn’t seem like he’s quite as big as Homer is in the episode, but he’s at the very least around 12 feet tall, which is big, especially for those days when everyone was short as leprechauns that didn’t eat their vegetables.
10 – Leviathan,
- This guy is basically an underwater dragon, well not basically that’s exactly what it is, but it gets weirder than that my friends.
- His back has rows of shields strapped tightly together, his snorting throws out flashes of light and his eyes are like rays of dawn, he breaths fire, snorts out puffs of smoke, and he’s basically invulnerable to any weapon people had back in the days before technology was cool.
- The Leviathan was mentioned in the Book of Job were God lets Satan be a jerk to Job, his most loyal follower, for some reason that I don’t know, probably because omnipotence gets boring every now and then.
9 – Unicorn,
- Yep, unicorn, you heard me right, there’s a god-damn unicorn mentioned in the bible, well maybe not the bible you get in the drawer in a hotel, but it’s still said very clearly in the King James bible, back when the bible was way cooler, because unicorns are rad if you ignore that one TV show.
- Of course they ret-conned this later on to mean ox, but fuck that noise, I want the version where there’s a magical horse with a conical shell super glued to its forehead because that’s way cooler.
- Some places on the internet seem to say that unicorn meant beast of burden, but I looked up the etymology of this mother fucker and it has no mention of ox in there, oxen don’t have one horn guys, I can read the internet, ‘uni’ means one and ‘corn’ is horn, you can’t back out of this.
8 – Satyr,
- You know that goat-human thing from the Disney animated Hercules, the one about greek mythology? Well it’s known as a satyr and the bible also mentions it.
- The book of Isaiah says that it’s going to be hanging out with its bro the owl and some wild beasts while we all burn in hell, oh and did I mention it’s also dancing when this happens?
- Yeah this satyr guy sounds like a total jerk, but I guess that’s why people like to draw Satan as a Satyr even though the bible actually says he looks like a really pretty man who seduces you into the dark side of the force or whatever.
- Oh actually the Satyr actually has other friends, dragons, which brings me to my next point.
7 – Dragon,
- Man those people back in those days loved their fire breathing lizards, of course the bible mentioned in revelation is a bit different a lot weirder than your stereotypical dragon, which is totally bad, you shouldn’t adhere to stereotypes.
- So what if this particular guy has seven heads, ten horns and seven crowns, that doesn’t mean he’s not a dragon, it just means he’s special, but then again at least he still has your good old fashioned red skin, we won’t be doing with those damned yellow skinned lizards.
- This liz was a total bad arse as well, he took on Michael and his pals and totally kicked their butts, then they got all pouty and called him Satan, which isn’t very nice, you don’t make friends by calling them the deceiver.