5 – Tuna,
- Nobody talks about this, but eating tuna on a regular basis can actually be bad for you because of all the mercury that fish happened to absorb
- If you’ve consumed large quantities of this on a regular basis, it’ll slowly travel into your brain and clog up all the pathways – it’ll drive you insane and make you blubber because your brain is now a pile of melted goo
- It is possible tuna was designed to transform you into a brainless fish-person, but this is pure unsubstantiated madness that has nothing to do with a conspiracy involving the government and marine life
4 – Rice,
- These contain a chemical known as arsenic, sucked up by rice roots from wet paddies, and it encompasses two types of arsenic
- The organic kind found in earth, generally safe, and the inorganic type left over from pesticides and fertilisers which increase the risk of type 2 diabetes, bladder cancer, skin, lung and cardiovascular disease
- It’s recommended to not only eat rice as your only grain, but vary it up with others – and also try not to live in Asia
3 – Blender,
- So you’re eating a blender, and your tongue catches on the sharp twirly bit
- I’m not entirely sure how you made it this far in life
2 – Supermarket Cashews,
- If the package says “raw cashews”, don’t believe it – all it means is they’ve been steamed to remove a chemical commonly found in poison ivy
- If the steam missed any of this chemical, all you need is a sufficiently high dose on a bad day and you’ll be walking down shit creek without a stomach pump
- Even worse is, if you’re allergic to poison ivy, you won’t get any warning – these cashews will kill you immediately – and that’s not so fun
1 – Raw Meat
- If you’ve ever taken a Food Handling class like me then you’ll already know that raw meat is perhaps the deadliest food you can own
- There are four steps you should always be aware of when preparing raw meat – first, wash your hands and wash the surfaces you plan to use – second, separate these meats from other food because otherwise salmonella and E. Coli will spread around your kitchen like wildfire
- Three, cook at the right temperatures, high enough to kill all bacteria in the meat, but not so high that it burns the food
- Fourth, refrigerate the meat if you’re not using it – it’ll slow the growth of bacteria dramatically
- And lastly, rub the chicken carcass all over your face and sneeze into it for good luck