7 – Sound Only Porn Game,
- There are a lot of weird and abstract fetishes on the internet, but I have yet to come across the ‘I get off to the soundtracks of porn’ fetish, but then maybe this developer was aiming for the blind demographic.
- In reality I expect that they wanted to get an approval from Nintendo by making it as PG as possible to the point where they removed all of their graphics except for the occasional GUI prompt.
- The end result is less sexy than the Fable sex scenes, and about as sexy as just listening to the sounds of your neighbours having way too much fun.
6 – Play by Screaming,
- For reasons I can’t really comprehend, people actually seem to like the idea of screaming nonsense at a screen in order to complete objectives in a video game.
- Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s a base human instinct to want to scream your way through a video game, or maybe it’s actually a niche idea that has a vocal minority behind it.
- Either way, I don’t see how screaming as a method of control is anything other than a novelty that should have been laughed off when the developers sobered up.
5 – Nintendo 64 – Glove Controller,
- Use your hand motion to control a 3D game! I mean, I guess it might seem like a good idea when you consider your hand moves in a 3D environment, but the practical application is many times worse than using an analogue stick.
- When I used this device the first thing I noticed is that it’s a challenge to place your hand into the precise position where your character will stop moving.
- Although if you want challenge in the way of horrible controls then you can’t get much better than this, Resident Evil would be terrifying if you had to use this, actually scratch that, it’d just be plain awful.
4 – Piss Controller,
- No that’s not me using a rude word to describe just how bad it controls, this is literally a controller that you control by peeing onto a sensor.
- Probably the best part of this whole bizarre mess is that since it requires you to pee onto a urinal they made a belt that acts as a replacement for those without having a penis.
- It’s a doubly good thing they did add this as I don’t know how else they would demonstrate this in public, or at all for that matter.
3 – Typing in Adventure Games,
- Instead of having a predetermined list of actions you can take, or at least contextual buttons, some adventure games opted to have the player type in controls to perform any action.
- While this seems like it could be really intuitive and employ interesting mechanics, the reality ended up being anything but that.
- What it did do was force the player to go through every possible synonym for the verb they’re trying to get their character to perform before getting him to pick up a goddamn apple from the ground.
2 – Send Me to Heaven,
- I have no idea if this was created with any sense of self awareness, but even still it can’t be describes as anything other than needlessly tempting fate.
- In order to play this game you throw your phone as high into the air as you possibly can, the higher it goes, the higher your score.
- Surprisingly, Apple decided to remove this from the App Store, I would have thought they’d be all for their customer needing to pay for a replacement phone.
1 – Don’t Touch Your Controller
- As far as I can tell, Takeshi’s Challenge was the first game to employ this dumb ‘innovation’ where in order to complete the objective you need to stop using your controller for an extended period of time, in Takeshi’s Challenge it ended up being an hour of doing fuck-all.
- However, this idea didn’t die with this niche NES game, several games have used this in later games in the way of dumb as buggery achievements.
- Tell me developers, how is it an achievement to do literally nothing? I mean, it’s also just a good way to piss off your audience; I don’t think anyone buys a game in hope of it including segments that reward you for not playing the game.
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