15 Inappropriate Kids’ Toys

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From vibrating broomsticks to roadkill figurines, we count fifteen toys that are inappropriate for children!

15 – The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick,

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  • This now-discontinued toy broomstick from the Harry Potter series created a huge controversy because of its peculiar vibrating function.
  • The battery-operated Nimbus 2000 featured a grooved stick which kids could ride around the house, pretending to Harry and … all those other famous Quidditch players.
  • Apparently the inappropriateness of asking kids to place vibrating toys between their legs was news to the creators. Its short time on the market caused many premature sexual awakenings.
  • According to Amazon Customer Reviews, the toy was a big hit with young girls, with one parent reporting that their daughter and her friends spent hours behind closed doors playing with the Nimbus 2000. In my day, they called that an orgy.

14 – Batman Water Pistol,

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  • Take a standard Batman-licensed water pistol and add several pinches of cringe-inducing sexual innuendo.
  • Filling this bizarre water pistol involves taking a plug out of Batman’s rectum and aligning his backside with the nearest faucet. Then give him a quick reach-around and – presto! – he shoots water out of his mouth – just like in the TV show! Err …
  • The creator is unknown, but I’m holding Robin responsible.
  • Oh, and if you’re not a Batman fan … No worries! It also comes in Popeye flavour.

13 – The Avenging Narwhal Play Set,

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  • For the aspiring marine biologist, I give you the Avenging Narwhal Play Set! It comes with four magical tusks and three adorable cutsie-wutsie cuddly animals … to impale!
  • The impaling thing is gruesome, but can you think of a better way to teach kids about the food chain?
  • Why do they include a koala? Did I miss something? Are koalas a narwhal’s natural prey? I can totally see a koala, stoned out of his mind on gum leaves, falling into some water where a sinister narwhal lies in wait. ‘You in my territory now, bucko.’

12 – Poopy-Time Fun Shapes,

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  • If your kid’s bored of regular potty time – and, let’s face it, it is pretty boring; it’s like, c’mon already, discover Mexican food already! – why not give them the gift of Poopy-Time Fun Shapes?
  • Poopy-Time Fun Shapes work similarly to play dough moulds and extruders. Simply insert this piece of plastic into your child’s behind and – voila! – they’ll be pooping hearts and stars in no time.
  • I hope you weren’t planning to finish that meal. You know you really shouldn’t watch Danger Dolan at dinnertime.

11 – Happy Bear Hook,

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  • That a coat hook or is your bear just happy to see me? It’s both! This bear-themed coat hook is super happy to see you. C’mon and hang your coats, hats and worries. S’all good here.
  • So, this thing is from Asian toy manufacturer 3M. They release children’s coat hooks with protruding manhoods in three styles: bear, cat and frog, and the respective slogans on their packages are ‘hug me’, ‘follow me’ and ‘kiss me’.
  • I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to hug a bear with an erection but I wouldn’t recommend it. Pokes you in the leg n’ shit. Anyway, collect them all!

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