10 – Rafiki Simba Sodomy Toy,

• This toy is based on the Lion King scene where Rafiki holds the newborn Simba up for the entire kingdom to see. It’s a sweet moment and later reoccurs to illustrate the circle of motherfucking life.
• So how then did the designers get this toy so wrong? This Rafiki toy actually moves, and raises the royal lion cub up just as he does in the movie. The problem is that when Simba is lowered it looks a lot like Rafiki’s trying to impale him like a narwhal.
• I know there are some progressive parents out there, but I doubt even they’d want their children enacting interspecies bestiality during playtime.

9 – Pretty Death Toy Noose,

• Warning: choking hazard – as in, you may choke on your own rage hearing this. This Chinese toy noose doesn’t just defy logic; it pummels it, leaving it doubled-over wondering what the hell happened.
• Hopefully the rationale with this bejewelled rope was inspiring kids to be cowboys. Lassoing an imaginary horse is something I could possibly get behind, although even then the risk of accidental choking seems pretty high.
• But if this toy’s point is for kids to make light of suicide then I no longer wish to live on this planet. Morally irresponsible doesn’t begin to cover it.

8 – Growing Up Skipper,

• Skipper is Barbie’s lesser-known little sister. In 1975, Mattel decided to release a version of Skipper that replicated puberty. No, she doesn’t get acne and erratic mood swings but, by rotating her left arm, Skipper magically grows an inch taller and develops breasts just like a real human female!
• Considering a wedding ring-less pregnant Midge doll caused controversy, I’m not sure why Mattel thought a pre-teen doll that grew boobs would fare any better.
• The doll sparked tonnes of controversy and Mattel learnt a valuable lesson about their conservative customer base. Oh wait – no they didn’t!

7 – Wolverine Squeaky Hammer,

• What’s so inappropriate about this X-Men-themed inflatable hammer? Nothing – if you don’t mind that you inflate this officially licensed Marvel merchandise by performing fellatio on it.
• That’s right: the creators of the Wolverine Squeaky Hammer placed the inflation nozzle where his junk should be. As he morphs from flaccid to firm, Wolverine’s expression grows more and more menacing.
• Heaven help your child if this thing springs a leak. I can just imagine a child crying in despair, trying to revive Wolverine by blowing into his crotch. He’s gone, little buddy. He’s gone …

6 – Roadkill Cat Figurine,

• This messed up Japanese toy depicts a cat with its guts spilling out after it was hit by a car.
• More disturbing still is that the package features an image of a joyful kid. I know not everyone’s a cat person, but come on, Japan!
• According to website TokyoMango, this toy is called ‘Neko Funjyatta’, and shares its name with a well-known piano piece that most beginners learn. The song title translates to ‘I Stepped on a Cat’ and it’s believed the toy was created as some kind of bizarre homage to it.
  

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