5 – Moon Shoes,
- Oh what’s that? You’ve got ADD so intense that you need to bounce around the neighbourhood on trampoline shoes?
- Awesome, here’s a pair made entirely of metal, ones that could cave in a dogs ribcage with minimal effort so you can dance around the streets like an idiot
- Oh no, you’ve broken your ankle because you didn’t land properly, I’m sure that won’t happen again 500 more times, uh oh, you misjudged your jump and fell off a cliff
- What a loss
4 – Gilbet Glass Blowing,
- The 1950s, a time before toy manufacturers developed an fully formed adult brain, some marketing wizard decided that young boys need to learn how to heat glass at 500 degrees celcius with no safety equipment or supervision
- No, as long as you read the instruction booklet back to front, wore fireproof gloves and prayed to Satan that the flimsy plastic goggles would protect your eyes from searing molten heat – everything would turn out fine, right?
- Spoilers: Na
3 – Wego Kite Tube,
- An inflatable tube that a boat would pull behind and make it fly like a mid-air surf board
- It worked, for sure, too well though – it’d soar 30 feet in the air, a child would fall off, land on anything but water and die
- The people that bought this product were likely unaware that there’s this similar thing, it’s called a jet ski, the main difference being that you won’t fall 30 feet and die
2 – Socker Boppers,
- Gotta get them kids trained up for their glorious boxing careers, but we can’t practice with lame pillow fights, oh no, let’s give them inflatable pain devices and let the kids fuck each other up
- They were advertised as safe wrestling toys but they very quickly become violence-enablers, dulling the impact for a fist but with all the force of a punch coming at you endlessly
- “Oh hey, how did your son die again? Ah that’s right, we bopped him to death, we bopped his goddamn face off, but we all had fun and that’s what counts”
1 – Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle
- You might think, hmm, a motorcycle for kids, what could possibly go wrong? But it’s surprisingly safe, kids just sometimes run it into oncoming traffic because they’re stupid
- Power Wheels though, sometime it would suffer any drivers worse nightmare, your kid will be driving along, maybe going down a nearby hill, and suddenly his accelerator would jam
- He’d travel faster and faster until bam, his bike starts to fly and he gently ascends towards the sunset
- When in reality, your kid has fucking died and you now need to write on his tombstone, cause of death: fisher-price toy