15 Worst Escort Missions

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From a dog that turns into the hulk to useless NPCs that run into walls we count 15 of the worst NPCs we’ve had the pleasure of escorting.

15 – Earthworm Jim – Peter Puppy,

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  • ‘For Pete’s Sake’ is the level that has you protect a completely oblivious dog that struts his way towards the end of the level, but he won’t jump without aid and you definitely want to protect him.
  • The reason you want to protect him? The second he gets hit he’ll transform from Doctor Jekkyl into Mr Hyde and will bite the crap out of you, take you back to a previous part of the level and reduce your health.
  • Luckily the level isn’t too difficult but it’s definitely annoying to have to redo a section because your escortee got knocked around a little bit.

14 – Yoshi’s Island – Baby Mario,

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  • Yoshi’s Island is a good game despite the fact you’re escorting someone throughout the entire game, however this doesn’t mean that Baby Mario isn’t annoying.
  • If you haven’t played the game you might be wondering what it is that makes him annoying, well since he’s a baby every time you drop him, which is a decent amount, he’ll start crying until you pop his bubble and pick him back up.
  • Now I don’t know about you but I find the sound of a baby crying to be intolerably annoying, it’s bad enough to walk past it on the street, but to be tormented with it in a game makes me want to play the game on mute with some earmuffs on just in case I accidentally turn up the TV.

13 – Red Dead Redemption – Miranda Fortuna,

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  • Miranda comes up to you in Mexico and asks you to escort her away from the Federales and make sure no one follows her while you’re on the least responsive horse cart in the game as well as having a time limit to complete the mission.
  • Escorting Miranda Fortuna turned from bad to infuriating thanks to a simple glitch that may or may not have happened to you, but the important thing is that it happened to me; the glitch prevented me from using any weapons whatsoever.
  • Of course I didn’t realise it was a glitch, I thought I just had to lose the Federales, which as it turns out isn’t all that easy despite having four horses pulling the stagecoach, which as it turns out contains sixty tonnes of gameplay mechanics slowing it down.

12 – Metal Gear Solid 2 – Emma Emmerich,

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  • I guess Kojima had some inkling of an idea that people would think that Raiden is too girly, so to provide some disparity he put in Emma, who has the least amount of figurative cajones out of anyone dead or alive, real or fiction.
  • Seriously, she’ll cry more about a bug than a man that just been told that his whole family is dead and his balls are inoperable, non-functional and need to be removed.
  • On top of everything else you have to escort her through the only other video game trope that ties with escort missions, and that’s an underwater area in a game that’s otherwise designed to stay the hell away from the z-axis.

11 – World of Warcraft – Khadgar’s servant,

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  • Every escort quest in the earlier versions of WoW was unbearably annoying. The escort walked faster than your walk and slower than your run, forcing you to tap w more times than asking: Why would western wombats want warm, woolly Winchester wears when we’re wandering with wallabies who want wardens who won’t wonder why Wollongong werewolves won’t wilfully wigwag with wedgies? in the barrens chat.
  • But the worst of them all is the City of Light quest, it makes you follow an NPC that you can’t auto follow throughout the entirety of the city of Shattrath for eight and a half long arduous annoying minutes without fighting anyone.
  • This wouldn’t be too bad if it was the first quest in an important quest chain that leads to you choosing between two of the major factions in the Outland, I mean it’s like Blizzard was actively trying to force you to tear out your hair with boredom.

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One thought on “15 Worst Escort Missions

  1. Great list. That MSG2 mission was the first thing that came to my mind. Emma was pants-wetting chore of a character, who, as you said, seemed to exist purely to make Raiden look like less of a wuss.

    Completely forgot about (slash repressed) the Perfect Dark president mission. That was a total chore. Seem to recall a similar one involving Elvis, the little alien character. Relying on brain-dead AI to progress was the fucking bane of my existence…

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