- Parkhurst Escape
- A resourceful trio managed to escape from a maximum security prison on the Isle of Wight.
- They made keys to every door, like that adorable Korean guy in The Matrix Reloaded. Apparently they’d copied the keys by sight alone. BY SIGHT! Like, fucking Rain Man shit right there. While they were in the gym one day they unlocked a door to the outside before using a 25-foot ladder they’d made to get over the wall of the prison.
- One of the escapees was a pilot and so the plan was to steal a plane and fly off the island. Unfortunately, the only plane they could find wasn’t big enough for the three of them and didn’t have a key lying around. So they tried to hide until they could come up with a new plan, but were found pretty quickly. Still, these guys prove that we all should’ve paid more attention in shop class.
- Ted Bundy
- On December 30th, 1977, infamous serial killer and nefarious necrophiliac Ted Bundy broke out of prison.
- This was his second escape, the first being slightly less gory and less awesome. He’d plotted and schemed; scored a hacksaw from a fellow inmate and begged and scrounged together some cash. He lost 35 pounds and planned to fit into a one-foot hole he’d cut into the ceiling of his cell.
- Bundy bided his time until just after Christmas when the prison was deserted. He managed to get into the crawl space and find his way to the apartment of a jailer. He stole some clothes and walked out the front door like an off-duty guard leaving for the day. Ever the chameleon, it took 17 hours for anybody to realize Bundy was gone. During the six weeks it took to catch Bundy, he attacked at least six women. That boy ain’t right.
- El Chapo, El Gone-O
- Tunneling under a maximum security prison is a lot of grunt work. So it’s a good thing El Chapo had a heap of minions on his payroll who were willing to do it for him.
- The gangsters in El Chapo’s cartel built their leader a badass tunnel that led from the floor of his cell’s shower out to freedom. The tunnel was tall enough for him to stand in and less than a meter wide. It had, with lighting, air filtration and a modified motorcycle that El Chapo could ride to the surface in style.
- I’m surprised it wasn’t decked out with speakers that played “We are the champions” Mighty Ducks-style. All this effort for their kingpin boss and all he had to do was sit back and wait for his day to leave. He’s like a Disney Princess from the old days, you know, before they developed personalities and a sense of agency. I’ve decided that in my next life, I want to come back as the leader of a cartel.
- The Great Escape of Stalag Luft
- In 1943, 600 prisoners of war contributed to a plan so cunning and ingenious that Hollywood later made a movie about it; called ‘The Great Escape’. Not a very inventive title but it was the 60s.
- The men created three tunnels out of the camp so that if one was discovered the guards wouldn’t suspect there were others. The tunnels were 9 meters below the surface and took over a year to complete. Despite being a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare they had ventilation ducts and reinforced walls.
- To construct the tunnels, the men used; 90 bunk beds, 52 big ass tables, 34 chairs, a shitload of spoons, and 1400 powdered milk cans, just a name a few. The plan was to get at least 200 men out but because one tunnel collapsed and there were a bunch of other delays, only 76 made it through. Of the 76 escapees, 73 were recaptured. 50 of those were executed to prove a point. One survivor said it really wasn’t worth the effort. As impressive as their work was, the story sounds more like a depressing episode of Hogan’s Heroes than a movie to me.
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