From losing your terrorist funds online gambling to blowing up your entire class during a suicide bombing lesson, we count eight of the dumbest terror plots that failed!
- Live TV can be intimidating. There are certain things you don’t want to screw up while cameras are broadcasting to millions around the country. Assassinating a politician is one of these.
- But that’s exactly what happened for would-be assassin Oktai Enimehmedov when screwed up his assassination plot at point-blank range in 2013. His target was Bulgarian politician Ahmed Dogan. Instead of accosting him in some dark alley, Oktai thought it was smart to do the deed on live TV.
- He couldn’t get a hold of real gun, so went for a gas pistol, which fires tear gas pellets instead of bullets. This meant he had to shoot him in the eye from right up close. He stuck the gun right in Ahmed’s face and fired, but the pistol jammed. Ahmed swatted him away like some fly and Oktai was swarmed by an angry mob from the audience. A real bad day at the office.
- In 2013, Islamic extremists in England redefined stupid with an explosively dumb plan to kill civilians using … sports icepacks?
- They planned to buy hundreds of icepacks using money received from impersonating charity representatives and construct a giant bomb using the icepack’s key ingredient: ammonium nitrate.
- Unfortunately for them, these icepacks no longer contain ammonium nitrate. I bet these assholes wish they’d paid attention in science class now. Their plan was doomed to fail anyway, as they even bungled the ‘extort a charity’ part of the plan, only securing enough to buy a single ammonium nitrate-free icepack. Clearly in the wrong career, guys.
- To change their fortunes, the 322-pound ringleader ‘Chubbs’ tried online gambling. But one of Chubbs’s cronies lost £9,000 placing dud bets and leaving the betting site unattended while making a cup of tea.
- The group was eventually caught and their entire legal defence was constructed around how pathetic they were. These fucking morons make Team Rocket look like criminal geniuses.
- Terrorist schemes are usually foiled by the FBI with the help off anonymous tip-offs, but in this instance the hero of the show was a little guy called static electricity.
- Salman al-Taezi and Walid Ashibi were a pair of Yemeni terrorists who planned to blow up a national embassy with a missile. They set up base near the Cuban Embassy and were in the final stages of preparations when everything went wrong.
- While walking across the carpet, Walid generated so much static electricity with his feet that their missile accidentally misfired. Instead of heading across the street for its target, it shot straight at Salman, killing him instantly. Walid himself suffered grievous wounds and died shortly after.
- Friendly fire. If only they’d paid a little more attention in science class instead of spending all their time plotting to blow stuff up!
- In 2007, some wannabe extremists finished their copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Terrorism and began preparing an attack on New Jersey’s Fort Dix Army Base. Unfortunately, they’d only skim-read chapter five, so didn’t get the part about not putting fucking incriminating videos in the hands of your enemies!
- The stupid dipshits had been videotaping their shooting range training sessions with a camera they’d bought from Best Buy. That’s right, Best Buy. Let’s take down capitalist America by … supporting capitalist America?
- Anyway, they were also useless with technology, so went to an electronics store for help transferring their footage to DVD. The clerk who helped them was just an ordinary Joe, but even he could see the gun-waving idiots shouting for Jihad in the footage were up to no good. He reported the punks to the police and, with handy video evidence, it was easy to convict them of conspiracy to commit acts of terror.