9 Horrifying First Date Stories

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  1. The Pisser

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  • After talking online for a few days, these singletons decide to meet up in person. He picks her up and within two minutes of getting into the car she asks “where is this relationship is going?”
  • He says they just met so he doesn’t know. That’s when she breaks it to him that he actually just picked her up from her boyfriend’s place but that they’re about to break up. She asks “hey can I move in with you?” and when he tells her no she starts sobbing….and then pisses herself in the car…
  • Maybe it was some kind of revenge for the emotional turmoil of rejection, or maybe she was just bat shit fucking crazy.
  1. Kissy Wissy

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  • He’d seemed normal when they spoke on the net, but you can never be sure. 10 minutes into their actual date, this guy gets a little too close for comfort and asks if she’d like “a kissy wissy” in a weird baby voice.
  • She politely declines. When their meals arrive, he pulls her plate to him and starts cutting up her steak for her. Then when says she’s going to the bathroom, he asks if she needs help wiping. What the actual fuck.
  • The waitress comes into the bathroom and tells her, “uhh your date just put a pacifier on your plate. Did you want to use the kitchen exit?” It’s moments like these that’ll will make you believe guardian angels don’t have to look like Nicholas Cage.
  1. Beer Goggles

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  • A man receives a phone call from a girl that says a mutual friend thought they’d get along. The desperately single lad thinks, “why not” and agrees to a date.
  • It starts well with her showing up tipsy, blaming nerves for her drinking. He overlooks that red flag and takes her to a pool hall where she gets drunker and starts a fight with the staff. Deciding that’s enough, he takes her to get a bus home but she vomits ALL over the bus steps and the driver kicks her off. Stranded he has to take her in for the night, telling to sleep on the couch. In the middle of the night though he wakes up to his ribcage being crushed. She’s on top of him.
  • He calls the mutual friend to say, what the fuck man, you hooked me up with a nut job. She has no idea what he’s talking about. She’s actually a bit slow and her parents are about to put her in a group home for adults with intellectual disabilities.
  1. The Queef

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  • An inordinately hot chick contacts this guy on a dating site, so he’s suspicious from the get go.
  • A few days pass and she asks if she can swing by his place. He reluctantly agrees and when she shows up, she looks much older than her pics. More like 40 than 25. While going down town, she lets out a fart in his face that made his eyes sting. She laughs her ass off as he opens a window to neutralize the air.
  • They get to doing the nasty, she randomly lifts herself off him and queefs a spray of vaginal juice onto his leg, all with the glee malevolence of a maniac. No matter how much this guy showers he will never feel clean again.
  1. Killer Date

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  • Being a gun toting southern gentleman can work to your advantage in the dating scene. After a pair of singletons speak online, they decide to meet up for dinner.
  • At dinner, all seems to be going well, until some crazy guy rushes at them, hurling abuse at the girl. Fellow diners are staring and just as the staff are calling the cops, the girl grabs her steak knife and rams it into the guy’s chest. He falls to the floor and she pounces, pulling the knife out.
  • She lunges at her date like she’s getting ready to stab him too, so he pulls his gun out of his holster and fires a shot into her collarbone! Dating in the south sounds hardcore. Luckily there was no second date because I don’t see how he could’ve topped that.

 

 

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